|How dare it live?|
by Danetta Kellar
There it grew, defiant and ignorant of death. Living and green, vibrant. Pressing its tendrils up through the concrete, winding its way around the iron grating, clinging tenaciously to the wall. I hated it and resented its life. Death had robbed me of my joy, and I was devastated. Even the ivy made me angry. How dare it live?
We may not always understand the pain they suffer. In fact, some events are so tragic, so unexpected, that we stand gaping in shock, unable to fathom what they must be going through. But we must not withdraw, we must not isolate them.
That friend, that loved one, is still who she has always been. Only now her life has been shattered with suffering, creating a completely new paradigm through which she must live. And you can help her as she learns to do that.
Be present and available.
After his wife died, C.S. Lewis wrote, “There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be around me. I dread moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.” A Grief Observed
Know when to be silent.Being a careful listener is much more important than being a wise advisor, especially initially. Allow those who are grieving to communicate as they are able, and as they want to. Guilt, confusion, anger, and despair will all be expressed at times and need to be heard, not condemned. Don’t draw conclusions about your friend’s character from the drastic things she may say during extreme grief.
Create a buffer for her.If the one hurting is a close friend, seek how you can serve as a liaison between her and others who want to know what they can do to help. It is overwhelming, as well as extremely exhausting, for the sufferer to manage many conversations and field the outpouring of concern and help. This is a task for a close friend or family member, and can allow the one in pain to rest and process.
Help by doing.Like my friend Kate, who knew without my saying that there were tasks that needed doing, be a doer in practical ways. Is your friend usually organized and tidy? Keep her house organized and tidy for her. Wipe the children’s faces and comb their hair. Put the mail in a box for her to sort when she feels like it. Babysit and put dishes away.
Allow fluctuations in emotions and expression.Grief refuses to be organized and planned. It comes in spurts, sometimes angry, dripping with tears, shouting with rage. Other times it is a groaning without words. Don’t be surprised at these outpourings, but let it be known you are available and accepting.
Know your friend is not crazy.
She is just pressed beyond measure, beyond anything she ever thought she could ever handle. That makes anyone feel crazy. Let her be real without judgement.
Remember grief is a process.
Grief is in transit. It is not a destination. Educate yourself on the stages of grief and be a gentle sounding board for your friend as he moves through them. (http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/) Know when to gently challenge irrational conclusions and give the grieving person opportunity to respond and discuss the issues.
Pray for her.
Comfort the hurting with prayer and scripture without using religious cliches to squelch or stifle their expressions of grief. Comments such as, “Have faith,” or, “God is in control!” leave the grieving person feeling guilty and invalidated rather than listened to and comforted.
I am forever thankful to the friends who were patient with me, who listened without judgement and helped me in so many practical ways as I learned to live again after loss.
A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis
Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright
Reflections of a Grieving Spouse: The Unexpected Journey from Loss to Renewed Hope by H. Norman Wright
Will I Ever Be Whole Again? Surviving the Death of Someone You Love by Sandra Aldrich
A Grace Disguised:How the Soul Grows Through Loss by Jerry Sittser